When last we saw our heroine, she was doing Shameless Self-Promotion, as one does, signing bookplates, and starting to work on the next book, by which I mean, staring out the window, and making Cryptic Notes™.
That changed back toward the end of last week, when the edits for Diviner’s Bow landed in my inbox, and I spent the next While dealing with that, doing my own chilly read-through, and making a (few) more corrections.
Of course, in pre-apocalyptic times, Steve would have taken half the manuscript; I’d’ve taken the other half. We’d have talked over the editorial suggestions — and anyway, that’s not how we do things in this Brave New World, and it took me a good chunk of time to go through the ‘script and consider the suggested changes. I have only just today returned the manuscript to the editor.
In-between reading, correcting, considering, and inputting, I had the Waterville Fire Department come in and replace the 20+ year old smoke alarms in the house, which they did for free, because the Waterville Fire Department is Just. That. Cool.
I also went to the last meeting (for some number of months) of the book club, and did the 120-mile round trip to the cancer center, to chat with my oncologist. I’m fine, though they took me off of the drug I’d been taken to help reduce the risk of a recurrence because of the still-inconclusive outcomes attached to my June Health Adventure. Said drug being known to cause blood clots. That whole thing was much more upsetting than I had planned for, but, hey — it was a nice morning for a drive.
I also went to a writer meetup and met writers, which is something I haven’t done in a while. I honestly don’t know that I’ll ever feel up to traveling to science fiction conventions again — too very many people knew Steve, and Steve-and-Sharon. OTOH, one does like to talk with people who Get It, so after much waffling, I went, and had a pleasant evening. So — four stars out of five: may do again; encourage others to attend.
Somewhere in all there was also meeting a friend for coffee, grocery shopping, and hitting Home Depot up for paint (one of the smoke detectors had been painted (many times) to the wall, and brought paint with it when it finally was persuaded to let go.
Today was about cooking for the freezer, and making a loaf of cheese bread because I wanted cheese bread. Tomorrow and Sunday will be about laundry, and dealing with all the things I let pile up while I was concentrating on the edits for Diviner’s Bow.
Next week will be a bit pear-shaped due to the US Thanksgiving. On Wednesday afternoon, I’ll pick up a Feast For One from a local restaurant to reheat on the day, and expect that I’ll be doing something low-key and enjoyable, like laying out a chapbook. No, really; that’s low-key and enjoyable. Also, I need to get back to staring out the window and making notes.
As I’ve been walking up and down in the world, I’ve noticed the wreaths, and the greens, the trees, and the decorations, and — I will be sitting the holidays out this year. This includes the sending of the traditional Yule letter and cards. P’rhaps next year.
And that? Catches us up.
Everybody have a good weekend.
Take it easy over the holiday period. First time anniversaries after a death are very difficult. It’s been 5 years for me after a 54 year marriage and feel sad with each birthday, Christmas, and wedding date. I won’t say it gets better but it does ease with time.
What Ros said. I want to encourage you to get social on YOUR timeframe and in your way. ‘S’okay to go slow and be alone sometimes, even on a holiday. I really appreciate your openness and -though I am guessing you are not a hugger – send warm virtual ((hugs)) and well wishes.
May the Yule be kind to you. The seasons turn all on their own and there are no obligations. Love is sent.
Every time you write “making a loaf of cheese bread” it makes my mouth water. If you ever happened to want to share your recipe I would be one happy girl, probably among many happy others.
I never had the long relationship you had with Steve but I have loved and lost a few kitties and grief for a lost loved one is something I understand. Take care of yourself and the “Coon Tribe”. I find that as you get older, the things you find important change and actually become fewer. I am 73 now and live quietly. I find that “stuff” and owning lots of it is no longer important. From your FB posts, you are living well and I am happy to see that. Looking forward to more adventures in The Liaden Universe. Long May It Thrive. Hugs.
The first holiday season after my Steve died, I had a time deciding what to do – I spent T-day with my sister’s family and that was unpleasant because of their family dynamics at the time, so for Xmas I told them Steve’s family had demanded I come to TX, and then I called friends in TX and talked them into hosting and feeding me for nearly a week. So I wasn’t putting up with family drama but I also wasn’t alone. It was weird, but it worked for me.
Hang in there Sharon – definitely it is a mountain you need to climb but I for one am very impressed with your progress.
Lest readers attribute real altruism to the local fire department, I think I recall that Our Author bought new smoke detectors from a home hardware store. But the fire department sounds truly wonderful for installing them, and at rather short notice, too!
Dear Sharon,
I hope you will pardon the familiarity, reading so VERY much of your and Steve’s work does tend to make one feel attached in a way unlike any other. I finished Ribbon Dance this morning, read the afterword and cried… for you and with you. I do so wish there was something I could do for YOU after all the many hours (and giggles, and insights) that you and Steve have given me over the years. It is hard to find fiction these days that is not *dark*, and your books always shine with hope and grace and humor, even when the entire universe is about to end. And hey, one can always hope for Clutch Turtles!
I am so glad you and your Steve had 40 years. I do so wish (admittedly for selfish reasons as much as generous ones) that you had gotten 40 more. He was not, as I count things at the age of 60, very old. I also had a Steve, for 15 years. Glioblastoma took him at the age of 62. There is a lot to say about that – but what I want to say to you is that the model of mind/healing that you and your Steve created in the Liaden Universe is one that has been useful to me in a very specific way. My Steve suffered from complex PTSD from childhood trauma, he was, in fact, two personalities, not one. One of those persons, (Dr. Jekyl/Good Steve) was, as I came to understand, unnaturally good. He was “larger than life,” charismatic, funny, capable. If man made it he could fix it. Strong, compassionate, always interested in others and eager to be helpful and supportive. He was brilliant, kind, generous, playful, loving, trusting, gentle. We worked brilliantly well together. We were excellent partners. In short, he was the best person I ever knew, and (deservedly) the love of my life. The other person (I don’t like to say “Mr. Hyde/Bad Steve” because of what I came to understand, so say rather, “traumatized Stevie”) was self-centered, rigid, thin-skinned, angry, defensive, frightened, paranoid, occasionally cruel. For several years Steve was ascendant. As time went on, we saw more and more of Stevie. (The movie, The Madness of King George, felt very familiar and I cried and cried for them..) As I tried to understand what was happening with him I found I had to re-think my models of the human psyche and mental/emotional development.
When first the Good Steve went into eclipse for short period, demon-possession seemed like a natural hypothesis. The split was so total. And he didn’t remember what had happened, or as I later learned, he became rather fuzzy on who I was…What I eventually settled on as a story/model is this: That we are not unified consciousnesses when we are born. Human beings have (more or less and I learned this part from Jaak Panksepp) seven distinct emotional response systems: Fear, Rage, Lust, Seeking, Panic/Attachment, Care and Play.
When we are born, our brains are not fully wired up. For example, babies do not have stereoscopic vision. Fusing the two two dimensional images from the two retinas into one 3-D image (stereopsis/binocular vision) is a developmental achievement. We know this because in some (truly awful) cases, children who were not allowed to move around and manipulate the world during the crucial window (prior to age 3) they maintain (as far as one can tell) consciousness of the two separate images. Our personality/consciousness is like this in the sense that when we are born our emotional response systems have individual consciousnesses. As we develop they cross-wire/interconnect. A unified consciousness is a developmental achievement, not a given for human beings. There is, again, a lot to say about this. In my Steve’s case, Rage, Fear and Panic (traumatized Stevie) never properly integrated with Play, Care, Seeking, and Lust (Good Steve). Memory is emotionally coded when stored (it is harder to remember good things when really angry, but easy to remember all the other times you were really angry, or being really angry when you are super happy etc.) We did not have time to play out how this might have helped to heal him, but it did help me cope and continue to love him – albeit for a lot of the last years at a safe distance.
That was a lot of detail. What I wanted to say was this: that spending time in the Liaden Universe, and thinking about Healing and how people are put together (and torn asunder) in that context gave me some additional ways to think about what was going on with him (and me!) that allowed me to maintain a relationship with the father of my daughter, and to be there for him when he got sick. That would not have been either possible or desirable had I not had this roughest of maps of what was going on.
The bottom line is this: He died knowing, in his words, “That I was well and truly loved.” And that is worth more than I can say. And you and your Steve and your work were an important piece in giving me the idea space to think about him, and the hope that we might win through some day. And who knows? perhaps we shall, although not on this plane.
I have gone on too long here. I am so so terribly sorry for your loss. I wish you great peace and joy for the future, and that you are blessed with the sense of your Steve staying close by as you continue your work, and care for your own healing. I am a retired philosophy professor, in case you ever have need of such a thing. I feel, as I have indicated, very much in your debt, and am several years down the road of widowhood. Please let me know if there is any way I can be of service to you.
With all good wishes,
Here’s one: https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/recipes/savory-cheddar-cheese-bread-recipe
There’s a quick cheese bread that I make sometimes, which started out sorta like this, but has been amended over the years: https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/17872/quick-and-easy-cheese-bread/